"Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe."
--Christopher Moore, The Stupidest Angel
More choice metaphors/similes:
"as inviting as a drunken prom queen"
"like she was using it to render tallow from building inspectors' butts"
I'm sure there must be more disastrous attempts at figurative language. I couldn't bear more than 3 pages.
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